Topical Torpedoes

Arlen Specter

How is Senator Arlen Specter preparing for his new career as a Democrat?

• Looking for Bible verses that allow hot man-on-man marriage.

• Replacing poster of Regan with head shot of Rachael Maddow.

• Ordering copy of "Socialism for Dummies" on Amazon.

• Volunteering to answer GM warranty hotline phone at White House.

• Burgers with Biden.

• Checking Senate health care program to see if it covers surgical removal of his conscience.

• LIghting Obama's cigarettes.

• Getting lips in shape to kiss plenty of Democratic donor ass.

• Putting a few Bush zIngers into stump speech.

• Loading i-Pod with Springsteen.

• Forcing himself to give a crap about working stiffs.

• Canceling appearance with Joe the Plumber; setting up photo op with Zoe the lesbian ACLU lawyer.

• Promising PETA that he'll lead boycott of KFC.

• Backing down on his call to deport Mexican flu virus.

• Clinging desperately to power.

Auto Governance

Thanks to President Obama, the U.S. Government is in the car business. We're running GM and Chyrsler. In fact, Obama's got a new slogan now: "Change Now Comes with A 100,000 Mile Power Train Warranty."

President Obama's self-mocking speech at the White House Correspondent's Dinner was a big hit. The President got big laughs with sharp one-liners about himself, his administration and the GOP. In fact, it went so well that today Obama announced a government takeover of "The Tonight Show."

Today's is Mother's Day. I think this economy has taught us that material things aren't important. So today, give Mom what she really wants: let her out of the basement for a few minutes so she can see the sun one last time.

Sean Hannity is now calling Obama "President Poupon," attacking the Commander-in-Chief for ordering spicy Dijon mustard on his cheddar burger on a lunch trip to Ray's Hell Burger in Arlington Virginia. Supposedly, Obama's mustard choice makes him an elitist snob. Hannity pointed out that the private jets he flies on to his $50,000 a pop speaking engagements just have French's Mustard, which he refuses to eat because the fancy-cheese eating French are Socialist assholes.

Deep Cuts, Shallow Musings

I didn't follow the coverage of Obama's First 100 days. I just watched The Glenn Beck program on Fox. If he's crying, I know Obama's doing okay.

And frankly, I thought the coverage of Biden's First 100 Gaffes was more balanced and accurate.

On this day in 1958, Vice President Richard Nixon was shoved, stoned, booed and spat upon by anti-American protestors in Lima, Peru. I had no idea Keith Olberman was from Peru.

Today in 1987, Gary Hart withdrew from the race for the Democratic Presidential Nomination after questions about his affair with Donna Rice. And a young, ambitious Bill Clinton asked Hart for her phone number.

A new study shows that the French spend more time eating and sleeping than anybody in the industrialized world. But hey - Americans are still the fattest. Take that, Pierre!

President Obama promised to cut wasteful government spending. Now he's looking to cut 121 federal programs that will reduce funding for all kinds of boondoggles like education, agriculture, bus transportation and health care. I've compiled my own list of wasteful government programs that could save us billions: Iraq, Afghanistan, GM, Chrysler, AIG and Bank of America.

What Obama should do is cancel Dick Cheney's government-subsidized Lipitor prescription. That'll save us a few million right there.

If you drive your company into bankruptcy, you get billions of dollars. You want to build health care facilities in Alaska, you're an example of wasteful government spending.

Now all Obama has to do is sell his budget cuts to Congress. That'll be about as easy as selling deodorant to a Frenchman. That'll be like trying to pry the sneer off Cheney's face. I mean, it's a tough sell. Getting Congress to cut spending is like trying to get Amy Winehouse into a Methadone program. It's about as easy as selling a new Pontiac at full sticker. You know what I think we'll see before we see Congress cut spending? A photo of Michelle Obama in sweatpants buying a handful of Slim Jims at a 7-Eleven.

Mother's Day is tomorrow. George Bush has a great gift idea for Barbara. He's going to let her waterboard a terrorist.

If you really love your mom, this Mother's Day you'll give her the gift that keeps on giving throughout the year - a flu shot.

We can't let this Mother's Day pass without saluting The Octomom. Fourteen kids, including the octuplets. The Huggies corporation is naming a landfill in her honor.

Another Day

In her new book, Elizabeth Edwards describes her reaction when her husband John Edwards told her he was having an affair: "I cried. I screamed. I went into the bathroom and threw up." No, wait - that's the title of Glenn Beck's new book.

You might've missed it, but Monday was International Respect for Chickens Day - a salute to the political courage of Senator Arlen Specter.

Specter switched to the Democratic party after serving five terms and 29 years as a Senate Republican from Pennsylvania. Specter made the switch because he didn't think he could win reelection as a Republican. He's already got a catchy new slogan for his first campaign as a Democrat. "Won't you join me in my desperate fight to cling to life and power."

I think Specter is having second thoughts about selling out. This hasn't been reported, but earlier this week Specter locked himself in the bathroom and took an overdose of Ensure.

President Obama is now considering his possible nominees to replace retiring Supreme Court Justice David Souter. Given the trouble he's had with his other nominees, I think a good choice is tax attorney Roni Deutch.

President Obama took Vice President Joe Biden out for burgers this week at Ray's Hell Burger. Biden said the burger "really got the taste of foot" out of his mouth.

First Lady Michelle Obama taped a segment on "Sesame Street" this week. The First Lady said she was thrilled to share the spotlight with Elmo and Big Bird. By the way "Elmo" and "Big Bird" are also the Secret Service code names for Biden and Obama.

Pot Or Not?

California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger said Tuesday that it's time to study whether or not to legalize and tax marijuana for recreational use. I guess this means he's going to appoint a joint commission.

Recreational use. That's the term. Recreational use. It makes it sound like you're going water skiing. I don't think the governor could support legalizing pot for "getting totally baked."

Schwarzenegger made his remarks during an appearance to promote - and I am not making this up - "Wildfire Awareness Week." I guess the just the talk naturally turned to "firing one up."

Of course, medical marijuana is already legal under California law. I'm glad they're at least talking about making all pot legal. You know, it's just so hard to fake glaucoma.

Of course, Schwarzenegger explored the issue himself for most of the 70s, including the famous scene in "Pumping Iron" that shows him smoking a joint. The governor can't claim that he didn't inhale. What I'm wondering - did he ever exhale?

In 2007, Arnold told GQ that pot "is not a drug; it's a leaf." A spokesman brushed off the comment by explaining that the governor was having steroid flashbacks.

I'm with Arnold. It's not a drug. It's a leaf. It's not a bong - it's a leaf blower. And heroin is not a drug. It's a white powder. Like the stuff on donuts.

A recent Field Poll shows that 56 percent of registered voters support legalizing and taxing marijuana to balance the state budget. It certainly gives new meaning to the phrase "higher taxes."

Actually, if California really wants to make money, they should legalize pot but tax home delivery of pizza.

If California does legalize marijuana, it's going to be interesting. We're going to find out what happens when an entire state fail its urine test.

PETA No! Torture Yes!

The torture memos written by the U.S. Justice Department really split some legal hairs. Basically, they said that interrogation techniques should be harsh enough to elicit actionable intelligence, but not harsh enough to draw the attention of the one organization that can do something about it: PETA.

I'll tell you one thing: if Osama Bin Laden owned a chain of fried chicken restaurants, PETA would've located him six years ago.

The problem with waterboarding isn't the legal definition of torture. It's simple marketing. They needed a better name. You know, like "No Child Left Behind." You know, instead of "waterboarding," try something friendly, like "Swiss Water Process."

The Obama administration tried this with The War On Terror. They best name they could come up with was "Overseas Contingency Operation." I've got a suggestion: "No Child Left Alive."

This Mexican flu virus is dangerous. The government is working around the clock on a vaccine, after attempts to round up the virus and deport it failed.

I was in Cabo last week. The flu has really changed things. The new "Girls Gone Wild" video is a a bunch of girls flashing their chest X-rays.

The treatment for the flu varies, depending on what country you're in. In America, they put you on oxygen to help you breathe. In Mexico City, they hook you up to a tank of automobile exhaust.

So we've had a couple of hundred flu cases and only a couple of deaths. I wouldn't worry about it. In this country, you've got a much better chance of dying from Dick Cheney Disease, which kills one person every 16 minutes. Cheney Disease is sometimes called lead poising, although the technical medical term is "being shot."

Did you watch any of the wall-to-wall news about President Obama's first 100 days? I haven't seen such a media frenzy since the coverage of Clinton's First 100 Interns.

The government hasn't been keeping track of that $750 billion in bailout and stimulus cash.  They don't know where it's all going. Which probably explains why I just received a tax refund check for $4 billion.

All the economic and flu news has moved one big story to the back burner -  O.J. Simpson's first 100 days in prison. I actually feel sorry for the guy. One thing you don't want to be in prison is a famous tight end.

Despite the fact that huge chunks of antarctic ice melting and crumbling, a lot of conservatives still don't buy into Global Warming. That's okay - just wait until the frozen embryos start melting.

Mother's Day is Sunday. Dick Cheney is planning a trip to the lab where he was assembled.

Flu Panic

People are worried about this swine flu. Denny's is now frying bacon in Purell. Amy Winehouse has switched from heroin to Tamiflu. Hillary found a wadded up surgical mask in the glove compartment of Bill's car. And, as a preventative measure. Winnie The Pooh today ordered the slaughter of Piglet.

Sure, I'm worried. I went to a Hawaiian Luau and they were basting the pig with Nyquil.

Strangely, people are not panicked about car accidents, which kill about 43,000 Americans every year. That's more people than the flu. Or terrorism. Joe Biden should go on The Today Show and tell people to avoid unnecessary car trips.

I think "Mexican Pig Farm" would be an outstanding name for a rock band.

If you worried about swine flu, here's some common sense advice. Wash your hands. Avoid crowded spaces. And, most importantly, slaughter your TV.

President Obama took an important step in calming the swine flu panic. He ordered the quarantine of Joe Biden.

Things are so bad in this country, they're so crazy with the flu and the economy, that Glenn Beck is no longer bursting into tears on his show. He's simply curling up in a fetal position and begging God to kill him.

The conservative media is really trying to put a positive spin on the Bush administration torture policies. Today on Fox News, Cheney pointed out that America has the best-hydrated terrorist suspects in the world.

Chryslers New Chapter

President Obama forced America's third largest car company in bankruptcy. Chrysler will be jointly owned by the United Auto Workers and Fiat. The Italians and the unions. You know, I think I saw something like this in "The Godfather."

So now the United Auto Workers are partners in GM and Chrysler. The workers are the owners. I mean, Isn't that a little like putting Dick Cheney in charge of gun safety?

I can't wait until the UAW has to negotiate with itself. And the first strike should be interesting. Big, beefy guys carrying signs that say "UAW is unfair to ourselves."

So we waterboarded these top Al Qaeda officials hundreds of times. One guy got waterboarded 183 times in one month. What does this mean? Does it means that he had 183 waterboarding sessions. Did we pour water into his mouth 183 times? Or does it simply mean we're not very good at waterboarding?

We don't torture. Those are President Bush's words. So, yeah, there's a learning curve. You know, we made a lot of calls to the Waterboarding Help Desk in North Korea. "No! Water not go in butt hole! Water go in mouth hole!"

Boy, they waterboarded Khalid Sheikh Mohammed 183 times and he still wouldn't talk. In fact, he's so good at keeping his mouth shut, they offered him a job: press secretary for Joe Biden.

It turns out millions of taxpayers receiving stimulus tax credits are going to, yes, owe taxes on that windfall. Yeah, just like taking candy from a baby. But we gave the baby the candy. So it's really our candy anyway. Babies are so stupid.

A huge chunk of ice broke off the Antarctic ice shelf this week. So it's really warming up down there, I guess. The next "March of the Penguins" movie will feature the noble Emperor Penguins rubbing sunscreen on their eggs.

To protect yourself from swine flu, the government is urging people not to congregate in large groups. In other words, it's the perfect time to visit a GM plant.

When Viruses Attack

President Obama urged Americans stay calm in the face of the swine flu epidemic. But Vice President Joe Biden has a different message: panic. Biden told Matt Lauer on the Today Show that people shouldn't travel on planes or subways. The vice president later released a statement that clarified his remarks by saying, "Man, I was 'faced on Nyqui."

President Obama, he's soothing. He's calm. His advice for the swine flu? Common sense. Wash your hands. If you're sick and you cough or sneeze, cover your mouth with the crook of your elbow. Not your hands. And if you're Joe Biden, just cover your f***ing mouth.

You can't get swine flu from eating pork. But I'm being cautious anyway. Those pigs get do get sick. So this morning, I'm sitting down to a hearty breakfast. The most important meal of the day. And the bacon sneezed on my waffle.

Now New York, that's a tough town. They've seen it all. They're not going to panic over a flu virus. But - even hardened New Yorkers got a little nervous today when Air Force helicopters lowered a 5-ton ice bag onto the Statue of Liberty's forehead.

New Yorkers have tough immune systems. Coughing on someone is the New York equivalent of the friendly wave in Iowa. And New Yorkers have already been exposed to the world's deadliest germs while riding in cabs.

Fifty million senior citizens will receive $250 financial stimulus within the next week or two. It's part of the government's plan to bail out Rite Aid.

Elizabeth's Edwards has written a book that talks about undergoing cancer treatment while her husband, John, is having an affair, fathering a bastard child and running for President. I can't recall the title. I think it's something like "Why I voted for The Black Guy."

Feeling Sick?

This Mexican swine flu crisis is scary. There isn't a vaccine yet. But if you get sick with the Mexican virus, the border patrol will arrest you for harboring illegal immigrants.

The government has dropped plans to build a fence across the Mexican border. Instead, they're going to wall off Mexico with a huge surgical mask.

The flu virus has changed life in Mexico. For example, Mexican drug lords are now fighting for control of the Tamaflu trade.

By the way, if you are planning a trip to Mexico in the next few weeks, be sure to try the Purell Coladas.

Under the the new bail out plan for GM, the company will be owned by the government and the United Auto Workers. The plan is to pay workers $900 an hour to build cars that only turn left.

Republican Senator Arlen Spector switched announced that he was switching parties yesterday. Spector is now a Democrat. The Republicans took the news well. In fact, they graciously sent Senator Spector a lovely parting gift - first class plane tickets to Mexico.