Dear President Obama:
I understand you will be making several big speeches in the Middle East. The president of my Rotary Club once gave me some good advice for public speaking: open with a joke. It breaks the tension. It gets the audience on your side. A witty joke lets people know you're a "regular fellow" - just like them! I wrote some jokes for you to use. I don't want any money. (I'm not like those GM guys!) I don't even want any credit. I feel its my duty as an American to contribute. Here you go. Don't for get to pause for laughs or you'll spoil the effect.
"You, in America when a black man is surrounded by guys in flowing white robes, it also means he's about to give a big speech - his last words!" (Pause for translation and laughs.)
"Everywhere I go in the Muslim world, my Arab friends ask me the same question: 'If you're the most powerful man in the world, how come you let your wife dress like a prostitute?' Well, our Constitution guarantees the right to bear arms!" (Pause for translation and laughs.)
"I have to admit, it IS a bit of a culture shock to come to a country where all the women dress like Darth Vadar!" (Pause for translation and laughs.)
"I get a little nervous before speeches. I read a book on public speaking that suggested one way settle your nerves is to imagine that your audience is naked. Of course, that means you'd have to stone me to death!" (Pause for translation and laughs.)
"Our two countries have a lot in common in that we both worship Mohammed. Of course, I still remember him as Cassius Clay!" (Pause for translation and laughs.)
"In an effort to strengthen ties between our two countries, I'd like you to know that I've switched to Camel cigarettes! (Beat, then tag it.) In America, we have a saying: 'I'd walk a mile for a Camel!" Dick Cheney can't take four steps without experiencing crushing chest pains!" (Pause for translation and laughs.)
"Maybe you've heard that General Motors is bankrupt. GM made those gas guzzling cars that kept made you guys rich. But don't worry - American always has, and always will, stand for really crappy mileage!" (Pause for translation and applause.)
"I bring to you a far more nuanced understanding of our relationship with the oil producing nations than the previous administration. George Bush's energy policies were largely based upon watching reruns of "The Beverly Hillbillies."
"I realize that my tour of the Middle East is creating a lot of controversy. But don't worry. I'm not on a 'crusade.' In fact, we're allies against a common enemy that threatens our very existence: The Toyota Prius!" (Pause for translation and laughs.)
Good luck, Mr. President! Don't forget - practice makes perfect!
