Topical Torpedoes

The National Distraction

The best solution to the debate on torture is so stop, then release all photos and documents. Secrecy fuels the controversy. We need to remove this distraction so that the nation can resume debate on more important topics, such as celebrity breast implants.

General Motors is closing 1,100 dealerships around the country. You know what this means? We're finally going to see a legitimate going out of business sale.

Vice President Joe Biden's lips are on the loose again. Talking to companions at the Gridiron Dinner, the vice president may have revealed the location of the vice president's secret bunker - reportedly where Dick Cheney holed up during the 9-11 attacks. Biden said the room was full of radio equipment, a EKG machine and Cheney's coffin.

Speaking at the White House Correspondent's Dinner, President Obama said that Biden is like a cuddly puppy that needs a tight leash. Obama's got the new White House dog, Bo, trained, but Biden is still leaking all over the place.

Maybe Obama should switch from a leash to a shock collar.

About this torture deal. If you want to get the detainees to talk, don't waterboard them. Beer bong them. Think about it: how many secrets have you spilled while you're drunk? I've been so drunk that I've taken credit for 9-11.

You know I'm right. Take these guys to a strip club and starting doing shooters. They'll talk. Obama won't have any problems releasing those torture photos. He could probably sell them to Hustler.

If you really want to terrorize the terrorists, buy them a lap dance from Nancy Pelosi. 

Whatever

So Obama's big tax plan is "soak the rich." With all this waterboarding stuff going on, that's a scary thought.

Obama is fighting the release of photos showing detainees undergoing enhanced interrogation. I think that pretty much answers the big question. If you don't want people to see it, it's torture.

Actually, Obama doesn't want to release the photos for humanitarian reasons. The pictures make detainees look fat.

Obama says that releasing the photos will just inflame anti-American sentiment. Is any body still pro-American? What have we got to lose? Even Americans are anti-American.

I think we should stop torturing. It's just not American. It violates our ideals and the rule of law. Let's just stick with the non-controversial stuff. You know, using robot planes to bomb women and children. Nobody's protesting that.

I actually think waterboarding is effective. Waterboarding has certainly gotten Dick Cheney to talk. Before waterboarding, the guy barely said two words. My question is what techniques has the CIA developed to shut people up?

We've lost just under 5,000 soldiers in Afghanistan protecting ourselves from terrorists. Meanwhile, more than 72,000 people a year are killed by car crashes and guns. Our vice president shot a guy in the face. What I want to know is this: who is going to protect us from our fellow Americans?

A Senate vote last week allows people to carry loaded guns in our national parks. Republican Senator Tom Coburn stuck that amendment onto a credit card bill. I like this law. Haven't we all, at one time or another, wanted to shoot the people at the neighboring campsite?

Coburn says that people need to be able to protect themselves against criminals at national parks. Yeah, if I'm a criminal looking for a big score, forget banks and liquor stores. I'm driving 2,000 miles to Yellowstone. "Okay, give me the picnic basket and nobody gets hurt."

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi said last week that the CIA lied to her about its use of waterboarding and other harsh interrogation techniques. Asked at a press conference if she thought waterboarding was justified in a time of war, Pelosi said, "Wait a minute - we're in a WAR?"