Topical Torpedoes

When Viruses Attack

President Obama urged Americans stay calm in the face of the swine flu epidemic. But Vice President Joe Biden has a different message: panic. Biden told Matt Lauer on the Today Show that people shouldn't travel on planes or subways. The vice president later released a statement that clarified his remarks by saying, "Man, I was 'faced on Nyqui."

President Obama, he's soothing. He's calm. His advice for the swine flu? Common sense. Wash your hands. If you're sick and you cough or sneeze, cover your mouth with the crook of your elbow. Not your hands. And if you're Joe Biden, just cover your f***ing mouth.

You can't get swine flu from eating pork. But I'm being cautious anyway. Those pigs get do get sick. So this morning, I'm sitting down to a hearty breakfast. The most important meal of the day. And the bacon sneezed on my waffle.

Now New York, that's a tough town. They've seen it all. They're not going to panic over a flu virus. But - even hardened New Yorkers got a little nervous today when Air Force helicopters lowered a 5-ton ice bag onto the Statue of Liberty's forehead.

New Yorkers have tough immune systems. Coughing on someone is the New York equivalent of the friendly wave in Iowa. And New Yorkers have already been exposed to the world's deadliest germs while riding in cabs.

Fifty million senior citizens will receive $250 financial stimulus within the next week or two. It's part of the government's plan to bail out Rite Aid.

Elizabeth's Edwards has written a book that talks about undergoing cancer treatment while her husband, John, is having an affair, fathering a bastard child and running for President. I can't recall the title. I think it's something like "Why I voted for The Black Guy."

Feeling Sick?

This Mexican swine flu crisis is scary. There isn't a vaccine yet. But if you get sick with the Mexican virus, the border patrol will arrest you for harboring illegal immigrants.

The government has dropped plans to build a fence across the Mexican border. Instead, they're going to wall off Mexico with a huge surgical mask.

The flu virus has changed life in Mexico. For example, Mexican drug lords are now fighting for control of the Tamaflu trade.

By the way, if you are planning a trip to Mexico in the next few weeks, be sure to try the Purell Coladas.

Under the the new bail out plan for GM, the company will be owned by the government and the United Auto Workers. The plan is to pay workers $900 an hour to build cars that only turn left.

Republican Senator Arlen Spector switched announced that he was switching parties yesterday. Spector is now a Democrat. The Republicans took the news well. In fact, they graciously sent Senator Spector a lovely parting gift - first class plane tickets to Mexico.

The Flu

This swine flu thing is scary. It started in Mexico. Now cases are popping up all over the world. You know what this means? The flu has gone viral.

President Obama is urging calm over this flu crisis. But it's hard to stay calm when the Statue of Liberty is wearing a gauze mask and holding a bottle of Nyquil.

The government has snapped into action on the new swine flu. Yes, our health and safety is in the hands of the same people who did such a great job saving New Orleans.

Right now, government scientists at the Centers for Disease Control are working around the clock in an effort to link the virus to Al Qaeda.

Mexico is ground zero for the swine flu. We should be able to handle the situation. College kids have been bringing diseases back into the country for years.

By the way, there's a new travel advisory if you're going to Mexico. Don't drink the water. And don't breathe the air.

The virus has changed life in Mexico. Schools are closed. The streets are empty. They're playing soccer matches with no fans in the seats. Totally empty stadiums. And it's working. Flu deaths are up, but soccer riot deaths are way down.

And down in Cabo this week? Two for one TheraFlu shooters.

So if you're feeling achy, chilled and you can't breathe, you've got the flu. Either that, or you're being waterboarded.

The thing about the flu virus is that it reproduces by invading the body and making multiple copies of itself. It's sort of like an Octomom pregnancy.

The big worry now is the flu virus will mutate into a form that can jump from people to computers. I think it's already happened. This morning, my lap top coughed up my entire iTunes library.

I'm worried about the flu. I think everybody is. People are taking precautions. In fact, Bill Clinton and Eliot Spitzer are now only hitting on nurses.

They're saying the flu could really hurt the economic recovery here in the United States. Anyone who hasn't been laid off is going to be calling in sick.

Pure Torture

Okay, so according to the Bush administration, it's not torture as long as isn't doesn't cause death, major organ failure or permanent disfigurement. Or, as Dick Cheney puts it, "three things I experience every day."

The pro-torture camp maintains that our harsh interrogation tactics extracted valuable intelligence. Here are some examples of statements made by detainees taken from a soon-to-be-released torture memo:

• "Hey, that tickles."

• "Is this going to a be a 'full release' waterboarding?"

• "Do you know Dick Cheney? We'd really like to recruit that guy."

• "Can you hurry this up? I have an 11 a.m. tee time."

• "You're too late to stop our mortgage-backed derivatives plan! Bwahahahahaha!"

• "Just tell me what you want me to say - you know, like you do with President Bush."

• "This place reminds me of the basement at Saddam's palace."

• "I saw something like this on The Benny Hill Show."

• "You must think I'm some kind of crybaby, like Glenn Beck."

• "Wow, I thought 'Fight Club' was just a movie."

Have you heard about the deadly swine flu in Mexico? Boy, we're worried about Iraq, Afghanistan and Korea - and now Mexico has a biological weapons program.

This new flu virus is dangerous because it combines genetic material from pigs, chickens and humans. If you get sick, you're going to need a doctor, a vet and a PetSmart prescription plan.

Health organizations around the world are gearing up for a possible pandemic with this new flu strain. The CDC is trying to figure out a vaccine and Blue Shield is trying to figure out how to classify it as a preexisting condition.

Blob

Astronomers announced the discovery of a strange object in space. A giant, gaseous, radio-emitting blob. Turns out the telescopes had picked up a Rush Limbaugh broadcast.

Ford stocks are up 22 percent after the company announced a smaller than expected loss - only $1.4 billion. I don't know about you, but I'd like to get a 22 percent raise for failing to meet my screwing up goals.

Earth Day was this week. And we've found a troubling new cause of Global Warming: companies burning billions in bailout cash.

Another Global Warming problem. Fat people. Scientists say that fat people release more carbon dioxide. In fact, the new movie "An Inconvenient Truth 2" will feature two hours of Al Gore in a Speedo.

Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner outlined his plans for stabilizing the nation's banking system. It calls for curbing one of the biggest threats to the nation's money supply: drunk guys getting than extra $20 at 1 a.m.

Earth Day

Yesterday was Earth Day. And everybody was into the green thing. Even Bill Clinton temporarily stopped drilling interns

The Republicans and war hawks say the harsh interrogation techniques authorized by the Bush administration are not torture. Here's a summary of their arguments:

• The detainees were never in distress or anguish. They were provided with a teleprompter, so they'd know what to say.

• All waterboarding came with a refreshing wedge of lemon.

• Slapping? Punching? When the Three Stooges do it, it's a laff riot!

• In fact, interrogations were done to the Three Stooges theme song with hilarious "doink" and "bonk" sound effects.

• Cheney personally authorized "happy ending" to each waterboarding session.

• To keep the mood light, detainees received copies of the Koran that made farting noises when opened. 

The journalists who've been traveling with President Obama on Air Force One say it's a heady experience. One draw back: the Air Force One Skymall Catalogue? Page after page of toxic assets and crappy GM cars.

Just once, I'd like to see a pro-life rally outside a gun store.

Trade!

The end of the trade embargo with Cuba couldn't come a better time. Cuba's got exactly what we need to revive the American economy: cigars, rum and shortstops.

President Obama is only talking about opening trade with Cuba. That was like last week. And you know what? Cuba already has 40 Starbucks, 5 Olive Gardens and a WalMart.

Astronomers have a discovered an Earth-sized planet outside our solar system, which may also have an Earth-like deep ocean. Scientists spotted another clue that the new planet is similar to earth: a huge banner that reads "Send Bailout Money ASAP."

A congressional panel is expected to approve legislation that would reduce high credit card fees and penalties. One provision of the bill: forcing American Express to reduce the number of rewards points required to get those sweet Taylor Made golf clubs.

President Obama is back from his trip to South America and Cuba. Gift-giving is a big deal on these diplomatic jaunts. Venezuela President Huga Chavez gave Obama a book. And in Mexico, Obama was presented with a fifth of private label Immodium AD.

New facts about harsh interrogation techniques used under the Bush administration revealed that two Al Quaeda suspects were waterboarded 266 times. And they finally revealed some key intelligence: Osama Bin Laden is the guy with the beard.

The top recipient of bailout money spent more than $22 million of political lobbying in the six months since the government began throwing around money. GM, Citigroup, J.P. Morgan Chase are all trying to block legislation aimed at enforcing executive pay limits and tougher financial regulations. Apparently, the bailout legislation didn't contain a "don't screw us with our own money" clause.

Touching

Hundreds of thousands of conservatives hit the streets for tea party protests against taxes. Tea party? They're against gay marriage, but I guess slightly gay protests are okay.

Exxon Mobile edged out WalMart to top the Fortune 500 this year. Exxon's secret?  Well, they market the world's most popular product. And two - they hired greeters.

I tell you what: if Exxon Starts selling big screen TVs and ammo, WalMart could be out of business in six months.

Senator John McCain's daughter, Meghan McCain, said that "old school republicans" are "scared shitless" about the changing political landscape in a speech to Log Cabin Republicans on Saturday. In response, Sen. McCain said it's probably just the Metamucil.

Here's what I like about Meghan McCain. Her dad's a retired Navy Captain, and she's carrying on the tradition of cussing like a sailor.

In fact, I'm thinking Palin-McCain 2008. President "You Betcha" and Vice President "Kiss My Fat Ass."

Hollywood is factoring the economic hard times into the story lines and themes of it's hit TV shows. This year, "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire" is morphing into "Who Wants to Eat a Dead Squirrel."

President Obama is extending is personal control of your financial future by promising to end abusive credit card practices that drive people into debt. Now, when you try to charge something you can't afford, a team of Navy Seals shoots the Visa out of your hands.

Non Bonus Babies

The Navy Seals who shot those pirates are amazing. They parachute into the ocean in the middle of the night, get picked up by a boat, then make three perfect shots to free sea captain being held hostage. The most amazing thing? They didn't ask for a bailout or a retention bonus.

The torture memos released by the Obama administration provide shocking details about confinement, slapping, nudity, humiliation, stress positions and binding. No wait...that's the memo describing a date with Eliot Spitzer.

President Obama is ending the trade embargo with Cuba. For one thing, that means U.S. telecommunications companies can provide Cuba with internet access and satellite TV. Castro is 82 now, so he probably agreed to open up trade just so he could get "Matlock" reruns on cable.

We need trade with Cuba for its technology. Seriously. I think Cuba is way more advanced than the United States. They actually figured out how to keep GM cars running for 50 years.

"GM" now stands for "Government Motors." I was buying a new GM minivan last week. I'm negotiating with the salesman and he says, "Okay, lemme talk to my manager. Next thing I know, President Obama is on the speakerphone. We hammered out a deal. I went full price for the luxury interior trim and Obama agreed to repeal the alternative minimum tax.

Alaska Governor Sarah Palin drove a crowd of pro-life supporters wild during an appearance at an Indiana Right to Life fundraising dinner. Palin is certainly no hypocrite on this issue. She had a Down syndrome baby. Palin's pregnant, nmarried daughter choose life and had her baby. On other, Palin did abort John McCain's campaign in late in its final trimester.

Palin may be a national political superstar, but she's having problems back home in Alaska. The state legislature rejected her nominee for attorney general. Confirmation hearings revealed that Wayne Ross came under fire for his past support of a Ku Klux Klan statute and a 1991 quote that said "...if a guy can't rape his wife... who's he gonna rape?" Palin said she was surprised by the rejection, calling Ross a "fine Alaskan." Note the word choice. "Fine Alaskan." Not "fine human being."

I file my tax return right on time this week, but I'm already in trouble. Apparently, you can't claim the U.S. Government as a dependent.

Legal Weasels

Barack Obama has promised that the U.S. Government will stand behind my GM warranty. And, you know what? The government is keeping that promise. I took my Plymouth to the dealer today. According to the estimate, I can put in a new cooling system for $1,200 or for $200, three Navy Seals will shoot the car full of air holes.

Obama's war on piracy has expanded. Today at Disneyland, Navy sharpshooters took down the Pirates of the Carribean.

Te Bush administration's torture memos are now public. The memos feature elaborate legal arguments claiming that water boarding, sleep deprivation and other interrogation techniques are not torture. You know what's interesting? Bush's legal team composed these memos by torturing the Constitution until it said what they wanted.

One of the CIAs interrogation techniques is dietary manipulation. It involves giving detainees commercial liquid meal replacements. The memos call it a "bland, unappetizing, but nutritionally complete diet." The lawyers argued that it's not torture because several commercial weight-loss programs available in the United States use even great reductions in caloric intake. Anyone who's ever eaten a month of Jenny Craig meals would beg to differ: it's torture.

Here's an interesting ruling from the memo. Because the experience creates psychological distress and a profound disturbance of the senses, the lawyers ruled that even brief confinement on the "It's A Small World" ride at Disneyland does constitute torture.

The Bush legal team argued that a tactic called "confinement with insects" is not torture. It's a good thing that confinement with insect isn't torture. Otherwise, the government would have to shut down every summer camp in the United States.

The legal argument advanced by Bush's legal advisors the Justice Department lawyers is that harsh tactics such as water boarding, wall standing, cramped confinement and sleep deprivation aren't torture because they're not difficult to endure or don't produce severe mental or physical suffering. Well then, what's the f***ing point? If it doesn't hurt, they're not gonna talk! Why even even do it? I'll tell you why: because it's torture.

I'll tell you one thing: just reading these memos produces severe psychological distress.

The sea captain rescued from those Somali pirates is going to fly home today. He's going to find out that being held hostage by pirates is nothing compared to the ordeal of going through airport security.

The rescued captain, Richard Phillips, spent three days in a life boat in 100-degree heat with hostile pirates nothing to eat and no bathroom. It's very similar to the typical Jet Blue delay.