Topical Torpedoes

What's Good For GM...

President Obama forced the resignation of GM CEO Rick Waggoner as part of the government's restructuring plan. Obama, I mean's he's like The Godfather. In fact, Obama  announced the shake up by saying "Rick Wagoner sleeps with the fishes."

Let's face it: our president is Don Obama. You know: "Listen, Wagoner. We're thinking of moving the family business to Detroit. Your business is losing money. Maybe we can do better. We want to buy you out. Think about a price."

Wagoner did think about a price. He's leaving GM with $21 million in salary, stock and pension benefits. After all that negotiation, we ended up paying sticker.

GM's stock lost 95 percent of its value under Wagoner's leadership. You do something like that at your job, you won't be leaving with $21 million. You'll show up at work one day and find all the crap from your cubicle piled up in your parking space.

That's the worst car deal in U.S. History. We've already given GM $17 billion in bail out money. It's going to cost us billions more. And basically we're getting a GMC Gremlin with no air conditioning.

The Obama administration is threatening to force GM into bankruptcy. Part of the deal is that GM will have to design an energy efficient vehicle that will be built in the United States. John McCain may finally realize his dream: an RV that runs on Old Spice.

The Obama is getting deeply involved in private business. We've never seen this kind of micromanaging from the executive branch. Joe Biden called me this morning to remind me about my 3 o'clock meeting.

The U.S. government is based on a system of checks and balances. Right now, the balance is zero. And Obama keeps writing checks.

The U.S. deficit is expected to hit $1.8 trillion this year. About $500 billion of that is bank overdraft fees.

We've seen a of big numbers since Obama got elected. You know, $170 billion here...$165 million there. The numbers are getting so big that the today Treasury Department announced that we've finally run out of zeros.

The Treasury Department should go to Congress. That places is crawling with zeros.

The economy's so bad that republicans across the country are urging their daughters to go lesbian so they won't have to pay for a wedding.

Former George W. Bush is writing a book about his 12 toughest decisions as the leader of the free world. President Obama is also working on a book about his presidency. There's no title yet, but we do know it starts with Chatper 11.

Plots

President Obama is spending so much time and money rescuing failed companies that he's changed his slogan from "Yes We Can" to "You Break It, We Buy It."

It's Spring! Or, as Fox News commentator Glenn Beck calls it, "The Socialist Plot to Overthrow Winter."

President Obama is giving GM one last chance. And if they don't throw in the leather seats and the deluxe floor mats, he's walking.

The government is now backing warranties on all new cars and trucks to inspire buyer confidence in U.S. automakers. A government warranty - now there's a selling point. You know about the government roadside assistance program, right? If you breakdown anytime, day or night, you get a free phone call to the "Car Talk" guys.

Of course the federal car warranty program covers free maintenance. Every 2,500 miles, they fill your crankcase with government cheese.

Looks like Obama's going to take over GM. The first phase of Obama's auto plan? Developing a hybrid car that refuses to turn right.

The emergency red phone rang at 3 a.m. in The White House this morning. It was a car buyer from Tennessee wondering if his government truck warranty covered removing a dead squirrel from his gas tank.

President and Michelle Obama are going to pay for redecorating the White House out of their own pockets. No taxpayer funds, no donations. President Obama got started on his redecorating chores this weekend. First thing Saturday morning, he ordered the federal government to seize Pottery Barn.

The Obamas have a big to do list:

• Build walnut case to display Obama Collector's Plates from Franklin Mint.

• Remove Cheney's back issues of "Waterboarding Enthusiast" from downstairs bathroom.

• Paint over ass prints on wall dating back to the Clinton administration.

• Make Geithner work off back taxes by scraping off Power Rangers wall paper from Bush's bedroom.

• Air out Lincoln bedroom to get rid lingering "Limbaugh" smell.

• Frame Earth, Wind and Fire black light poster.

• Replace commode supposedly fixed by Joe the Plumber.

• Child-proof cabinet containing nuclear launch codes.

• Program timer on sprinkler system for Biden's hair plugs.

• New curtains for dungeon.

• Buy new sign for West Wing break room: "Take home your frozen embryos or they will be THROWN OUT!"

• Fence in exercise area for mother-in-law.

• Finish needlepointing liberal agenda.

It's a good thing that the Obama's are experienced do-it-yourself types. For example, Michelle is crocheting a lovely teleprompter cozy.

Bin Laden Bail Out

President Obama's got a new plan for getting Osama Bin Laden. We're gonna send him $165 million in bailout money. Outraged American taxpayers will hunt him down and kill him.

You might have seen this: porn star Jenna Jameson just had twins. What's shocking is that she actually has a husband and a job.

In fact, Sarah Palin really been on Bristol's case: "Why can't you be more like that nice Jenna Jameson?"

In his on-line town hall forum last week, President Obama said that legalizing and taxing marijuana won't solve the country's economic problems. I dunno. I think you have to be stoned out of your mind to think the bailout is going to work.

A government pot program sounds like a good idea. But you know what'll happen: The Washington insiders will get the buds and the rest of us will end up with seeds and stems.

Actually, legalizing and taxing pot won't solve our budget problem. We legalize pot and two weeks later we're gonna blow 50 billion to bail out Krispy Kreme.

Today in 1973, the last U.S. troops left Viet Nam - and Dick Cheney burned his last draft deferment application.

Unlike AIG, GM has a workable recovery plan. They're rushing to develop a hybrid vehicle that runs on taxpayer outrage.

Dick Cheney claims the country is less safe under President Obama's "Waterboard Lite" version of the war of terrorism. Not true. In fact, the CIA just arrested the members of an Al Queda cell that was planning to unplug the president's teleprompter.

Everybody's on the make now for the hundreds of billions in dollars in bailout cash floating around. For example:

• After breaking ground for White House vegetable garden, Michelle asked Obama for $2 billion in "seed money."

• Bums on street corners claim to need $35 billion to bail out Russian vodka industry.

• The State of New York requested $160 billion to award top performing legislators with retention hookers.

• Pamela Anderson qualified for $10 million in cosmetic surgery, arguing that her breasts "are too big to fail."

Final Four

President Obama has picked his final four. They've all been disqualified for unpaid taxes.

Former Microsoft executive and billionaire Charles Simonyi paid $35 million dollars to go into space this week. We he got to the International Space Station, it was full of AIG executives hiding from angry mobs.

Lovely spring day in Sacramento. I went to the park and watched AIG executives burying their bonuses.

Big controversy at Notre Dame. Catholics are protesting President Obama's upcoming commencement speech because of the president's positions on abortion and stem cell research. If Obama gets disinvited, they've already got a back-up: The President of NAMBLA.

So many people are getting unemployment benefits that Obamas is working on a bailout plan to keep the system from going bankrupt. It's based an timeless government philosophy: Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish - then impose a 90% tax on fish.

Porn star Jenna Jameson just gave birth to twins. I'm very happy for her, but, honestly, this was not her first threesome.

How it is that the government can bail out AIG for $170, but couldn't save New Orleans - a city that need bailing out in the most literal sense. Congress just didn't realize what was a stake: the nation's largest concentration of bars and hookers.

A recent poll shows that fewer Americans are attending church. When asked what happens on Easter, 24 percent of Americans answered that if Jesus sees his shadow, it means six more weeks of Lent.

Obama is our first wired president. He's addicted to his Blackberry. Michelle gets upset over his devotion to staying in touch. The other night, she caught him in bed twittering himself.

A Rose By Any Other Name Would Still Smell

AIG CEO Edward Liddy admits that his company's name is hopelessly tainted and needs to be changed to rebuild confidence in the company. A new name - yes, that will fool everybody. Here are few suggested names that aren't nearly as toxic as "AIG."

• NAMBLA

• AIDS

• STD

• DUI

• OJ

• PETA

• IUD

• GM

• CIA

• IRS

There's a proposal in the UK to allow abortion advertising on TV. The first commercial is going to feature the Octomom at diaper-changing time.

The Octomom is still in this news. She fired all of her home help nurses. What she needs do to is lay off about five kids.

Former Microsoft executive Charles Simonyi blasted into space for this week for his second visit to the international space station. The guy paid $35 million for the trip. And his luggage still ended up in Orlando.

Wow - $35 million for one flight. And that doesn't include all the crap he orders from the Spacemall catalogue.

Yeah, it's a lot of money, but space flight comes with a lot of cool perks:

• Cinnabon in a tube.

• Cosmonauts always bring extra tanks of vodka.

• Can watch satellite TV on actual satellite.

• It's fun to dump urine while passing over Bill Gate's house.

• Unlimited free refills on Tang.

• Saying "tell him I'm not here" when President Obama calls.

• Orbiting pants-less.

• Broadcasting wrong directions to idiots with GPS systems.

• "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" not an issue in space station.

• Making wacky announcements on the intercom like "you are now cleared for nocturnal emission."

• Mooning the Hubble telescope.

• Hitting on cute barista at space station Starbucks.

• Fancy lingo like "payload ejection maneuver" makes even going to the bathroom sound glamorous.

Thoughts

Whatever doesn't kill you is considered a pre-existing condition by Blue Shield of California.

If it sounds too good to be true, it's taxable at the highest rate.

I just got a tweet from the first robin of spring: "Your f***ing cat ate my entire family last year."

One of the A.I.G. executives said he plans to donate his $750,000+ bonus to charity to mollify public outrage. To other A.I.G. employees who can smell the burning torches of populist rage, I offer this advice: Remember that Congressional hearings are just Washington's way of saying, "My campaign fund isn't going to grow by itself."

A lot of people were shocked when Senator Charles Grassley suggested that A.I.G. executives might commit suicide out of shame. But that's the same fund-raising speech Chuck makes whenever he smells money. Most guys are smart enough to get the message.

Grassley had to back off his suggestion, but did not offer to kill himself over the shame he brought on himself and Congress. (He felt shooting himself in the foot, then inserting the bloody foot in his mouth was sufficient.)

What other ideas did Grassley have in mind for punishing the A.I.G executives?

• Order Frodo and Sam to escort them to Mount Doom.

• Force them to star in a very special episode of "America's Most Shocking Bailout Bonuses."

• Hot tub party at Barney Frank's.

• Place them in cryogenic hibernation, to be thawed when future generations of political hacks need a whipping boy.

• Steel cage death match with Bernard Madoff.

• Waterboard party at Cheney's.

• Require them to invest in their own stock.

• Human test subjects for Universal Health Care.

• $10,000 a plate fundraiser at Grassley's.

• Let Pelosi work them over with lead-filled Speaker's gavel.

• Have hero pilot Sulley Sullenberger ditch them in the Hudson, if you know what I mean.

All of this rage over bonuses amounting to about one-tenth of one percent of the $170 billion we gave them for blowing up the company to begin with. Those of you with alcoholics, drug addicts and compulsive gamblers in your families call this behavior "enabling."

A hundred sixty-five million dollars! Congress can burn that up in five minutes to save the harvest field mouse or build a dam in the Octomom's cervix.

President Barack Obama held an unprecedented open internet forum today. People submitted 100,000 questions. Obama says its his way of inviting people into the White House without having to keep on eye on the good silver.

According to Star Magazine, pretty boy rocker John Mayer dumped Jennifer Anniston because she called him "Brad" in bed. What's the big deal? I give my wife an extra $20 to call me "Brad" in bed. The time to dump your girlfriend is when she starts calling you "Rush" in bed.

LaTourette's Syndrome

Ohio Rep. Steve LaTourette, exhibiting a verbal tic known hereafter as "LaTourette's Syndrome," this week delivered an impassioned speech featuring the words "suck" and "sphincter." LaTourett'e fired his rhetorical backside as he called for an investigation of how taxpayer funds were used to pay millions in bonuses to A.I.G. executives.

Specifically, LaTourette want to know about the communications between the Obama administration and A.I.G. on the company's use of federal money - The Financial-Sphincter Complex, if you will.

"Ross Perot, when he ran for president in 1992, talked about the giant sucking sound," LaTourette said, echoing great orators such as Plato, Jefferson and Larry Flynt. "Well, today there's another sucking sound in Washington, D.C. And that's the tightening of sphincters on both ends of Pennsylvania Avenue as people are having to explain who put into the stimulus bill this provision of law."

Yes, Rep. LaTourette is man who's got his finger on the throbbing jugular of America's rage. And he's clearly a man who thinks Bill Clinton is still president.

If anything, Rep. LaTourette did not go far enough in his remarks. There's more at risk today that just a few assholes inside The Beltway. I ask you, sir - what of the sphincters of American tax payers, still sore and bloody after a reaming worthy of a gay porn film? Do you not hear their cries?

Of course, the Obama administration is planning a legal strategy to fend off any inquiry. The White House legal counsel is already preparing an opinion on a the critical legal question: can Rahm Emanuel's sphincter take the Fifth?

Nano, Nano

India is rolling out the world's cheapest car - the $2,000 Nano. The Nano has a top speed of 65 MPH and can do 30 orbits of Rush Limbaugh on one tank of gas. 

Two thousand for a new car? How to they do it. Well the Nano is light on features. No air conditioning, electric windows or power steering. Under the hood, it's got a pair of orphans pedaling their asses off.

You'd think Detroit would feel threatened by the Nano. But auto executives are happy. Cheap, crappy, unsafe cars are back! Take that Ralph Nader!

The Nano may help with India's birthrate, since no one who drives one of these things will ever get laid.

The Nano is only 10 feet long. Shaquille O'Neal is buying two to use as roller skates.

Of course, the Indian version of the Nano doesn't have airbags. Have you ever driven in India? The typical driver in idea has about 35 accidents a day. So that's another form of population control.

No airbags. In a car designed for India. And the typical pothole is about twice the size of a Nano - which, by the way, holds 2,000 songs.

It really points out the difference between our two cultures. In America, every life is precious. Even the lives that consist of a few cells in a freezer. But India, people are like Bic Lighters. Who cares? Just get another one.

The Nano is the brain child of India's Tata Motors. The company introduced a deluxe European model with airbags and leather trim. It's for people who feel the Mini Cooper is simply too big to be practical.

Tata motors is also planning a Nano for the American market. But the car will have to be redesigned to meet US safety standards, which specify that a car must actually weigh more than the typical driver.

Eager to be seen as green, Hummer enthusiast and California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger said he planned to drive a Nano to set a good example. He's ordering a roof rack to transport his cigars.

Everybody's outraged about the $165 million in bonuses being paid to A.I.G. executives with bailout money. But what people don't realize is finding it's way home to Washington in the form of campaign contributions. It's like a dog chasing its tail. Or, more accurately, eating its own feces.

That's right, banks and financial institutions that have gobbled up TARP refunds regurgitated $85,300 in campaign contributions into the waiting mouths of Congressman who serve on the very committees that oversee the TARP program. And that's just in the first two months of the year. Yes, the tax payers are getting screwed in the ass. And Congress is getting the reach-around.

Now you know everything you need to know about Government, Wall Street, influence, power and the origins of the current economic crisis. And remember, "TARP" is an anagram of "TRAP."

While that soaks in, you can check out the details at Newsweek.

Citigroup, according to Newsweek, slipped $29,500 to House GOP Whip Eric Cantor. Cantor also got another $10,000 from UBS, a company that got $5 billion in bailout funds as A.I.G. "counterparty." Counterparty - that's financial talk for "friends with benefits."

House Majority Leader Steny Hoyer, who was apparently named after a Dr. Suess character, showed admirable restraint in only taking $1,500 from Bank of America. Newsweek quotes a a spokeswoman for Hoyer said that its her boss's "policy to accept legal contributions." Which sounds a lot like A.I.G.'s transparently sleazy excuse of paying employees bonuses they were legally entitled to.

Yes, the pure, noble idea of using taxpayer money to save the world economy has turned into one giant exchange of monetary hand jobs among a small circle of white guys with tiny, flaccid moral centers.

You know what really hurts? For lubricant, they're using our blood, sweat and tears. And also some AstroGlide.

Meanwhile, Ponzi schemer Bernard Madoff is staying busy working in the jail laundry while he awaits sentencing. New York has already reported the loss of $500,000 million in shirts.

Details  magazine published a photo of that apparently shows steroid-enhanced pretty boy Alex Rodriguez kissing himself in the mirror. One can only hope that the next time he sees is reflection, it's in the toilet. Asked for comment, A-Rod said that he'd learned something about himself after seeing the embarrassing photo. "I learned that I'm a better kisser than Madonna."

Pray!

It was a brutal winter, so the milder temperatures are welcome. The Weather Channel reported today that the ambient temperature inside HIllary's pantsuit broke 40 degrees for the first time this year.

In fact, it's getting so warm that the Republican Party's tongue finally came unstuck from Rush Limbaugh's ass.

The sun's out. America's call girls have switched to SPF 15 lubricants.

Easter is just around the corner. Millions of American Christians are already praying for the resurrection of their 401(k) plans.

I go to Church. I see people praying for relief from the financial crisis. I don't know if it's going to do any good. Even God doesn't understand mortgage-backed derivatives.

President Obama is getting a lot of flak for his more causal style. He doesn't wear a jacket in the oval office. And people are offended. What's the big deal?  I mean, Bill Clinton did two terms with his pocket veto sticking out.

Obama is still in trouble for insulting the Special Olympics. He said his bowling was "like the Special Olympics or something." The Special Olympics people said his words were hurtful, based on prejudicial stereotypes and totally gratuitous since "everybody knows black guys can't bowl anyway."

Sensitive people everywhere are outraged about Pope Benedict that abstinence, not condoms, is the solution to the Aids crisis in Africa. Why the outrage? What did did you think the Pope was going to do? Sign up to endorse Trojan Reservoir Tips? Or course the Pope is against condoms for Africa. And, just in case, he's also against condominiums for Africa.

Really. "Pope Against Condoms" is not news. Here's some real Pope news:

• "Pope Visit Science Museum, Tours Giant Interactive Vagina"

• "Pope Delivers Easter Homily Dressed as Marlboro Man"

• "Pope Admits That Wardrobe Isn't Just Gay - It's 'Whoo-Hoo-Fabulous-Elton-John Gay'"

• "Benedict Parachutes into Super Bowl from Blimp."

• "Pope Accidently Eats Tortilla With Image of Jesus During Mexican Trip."

Paleontologists in Montana have discovered the skeleton of a new species of dinosaur - a raptor about the size of a turkey. They estimate the specimen died 200 million years ago when an eight-year-old Larry King flushed it down the toilet.

Ahh, Spring

Well Spring is here. It's Dick Cheney's least favorite season. His heart is starting to thaw.

There's been a shakeup at the Obama administration after the President's crack on "The Tonight Show" about his bowling skills being like "the special Olympics or something." This morning, Obama accepted the resignation of his teleprompter.

Former President George W. Bush is writing a book. It's going to be about the 12 toughest decisions he made as President. Guess what? The Bush library will finally have a book.

Bush is busy. He's already written 30,000 words. It hasn't been easy. After the first 5,000 words, the spelling and grammar checker on Bush's computer committed suicide.

Public anger over the A.I.G. bonuses is start to reach angry mob status. We haven't seen this kind of voter outrage in America since the fourth season of American Idol.

The public outcry over A.I.G. is already producing economic benefits. Home Depot today reported a 200 percent increase in the sale of pitchforks and torches.

Now the taxpayers own 80% of A.I.G. It's a good fit. We have a lot of experience owning an unprofitable company filled with overpaid people who screw everything up: it's called The Government.

The Government is calling the shots over at A.I.G. now. Now you not only lose money, but you have to wait in three different lines for two hours to do it.

The Obama administration is looking for investors to buy up all of the A.I.G. toxic assets. They're now in negotiations with The 99 Cent Store.

When my boss heard that the government is spending billions to buy up toxic assets, he tried to negotiate a deal for the contents of the break room refrigerator.

My tax preparation firm is H&R Broke. They're using a new computer program to prepare my return. It's called "Tax Hero." What worries me is that there's a picture of Obama on the box.

Have you ever been audited by the IRS? They're extremely thorough. They put their fingers everywhere. After my last audit, the agent told me that I owed $10,000 in back taxes and that my prostate was dangerously enlarged.