Topical Torpedoes

Atomic Iran

Scary news from Iran. Iran announced that it's started testing its first nuclear power plant. The dangerous nuclear fuel is being handled by the Russians. Now I'm no Biblical scholar, but I believe something like this is mentioned in the Book of Revelation.

Boy, when you hear news like that, you wish you'd voted for John McCain. Because if McCain was president, things would be different. All our nuclear war heads would be aimed at Iran. And the entire arsenal would be hooked up to The Clapper.

Of course, the McCain-Palin ticket lost. And now that Palin is back in Alaska full time, the Russians are worried. She's keeping an eye on them. So last weekend, a covert team of KGB agents broke into Palin's house and installed a set of iron curtains in her picture window.

And just to be certain, these KGB guys bribed Lens Crafters to give Palin the wrong prescription.

President Obama's plan to reform health care does include some pretty steep spending cuts that are going to affect a lot of providers, including pharmaceutical companies. We're already feeling the effects at my house. My wife mentioned that her latest batch of birth control pills taste suspiciously like Altoids.

California's in bad shape. Unemployment is at 10 percent. And a prolonged drought prompted Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger to declare a water emergency with mandatory rationing. If the water situation gets any worse, he's prepared to take harsher measures, including a new program: Drink Your Urine Mondays.

Today in history the U.S. Senate approved telecasts of its debates on a trial basis, thus launching a new television genre: Detached from Reality TV.

The economy just keeps getting worse. Today I went to the park at lunchtime - and people were eating the squirrels.

The economic meltdown is flushing out a lot of financial fraud. A couple of hedge fund managers have been arrested for misappropriating more than $550 million. They're accused to using the money to fund the typical lavish lifestyle: mansions, horses and all that. But one of the guys also has an $80,000 collection of teddy bears. Now $80,000 sounds like a lot to spend on teddy bears, but that's actually less than the cost of winning a single stuffed bear at the state fair ring toss.

Mmmmm...Pie

SlumGuv Billionaire: Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal is making a big deal out of turning down at least some of the $4 billion in stimulus money destined his state's broken down economy. You know, it's wasteful spending and all that. Of course, the real problem is that it's democratic money. The guy's gonna end up taking most of that $4 billion - all about about $98 million of it. It's like watching a fat guy pretend to turn down a piece of pie. "No thanks, I'm full. Really. I'm on a diet. It's bad for my diabetes. Well, if you're going to have some, maybe I will. Oh, that's slice is far too big. Gimme one about 90 percent that big. What - no ice cream?"

Overpromisin' Obama hit it out of the park in his big speech this week, promising even that the government will cure cancer in our lifetimes. Then he went out in the audience and laid his hands upon Supreme Court Justice Ruth Ginsberg.

Cure cancer? The government? The guys who couldn't save New Orleans? The people who are subsidizing tobacco farmers? How about we start with something easier? Our peanut butter is killing us. How about we get on that?

Now Obama - he's not our most mirthful and jocular president. Very serious. He's the guy who ran for prom king on "the issues." He's the guy who ruins dirty jokes by saying, "then he pulled out his...well, it's a coarse term for the male reproductive organ." He's the substitute teacher who's always scolds the class with, "Apparently, some people don't know the difference between having fun and being silly."

Obama released his budget. Massive spending. In fact, we haven't seen this kind of desperate, out-of-control spending since Amy Winehouse last staggered out of her dealer's apartment.

It it a scary budget. It's gonna jack the deficit up to $1.75 trillion by the fall. Obama is planning to pay for all this by taxing the rich. And let me tell you - that guy is really pissed off.

Well Fargo is suspending bonuses for its top executives, including the bank's CEO John Stumpf. But it's really just a PR stunt. I mean this guy Stumpf? He's still galavanting around the country in the company's $50 million luxury stage coach.

Cave, Man.

Scientists apparently have decoded the Neanderthal genome. So it's possible they could actually clone a cave man. Neanderthals died out about 30,000 years ago, but fortunately, scientists were able to obtain a DNA sample from Joaquin Phoenix's gum.

Now Joaquin Phoenix has this new look, which might be described as "Cheech and Chong and Homeless." He's giving up acting to concentrate on his music career. In fact, he's already landed a plum position as an intern for ZZ Top.

At least Joaquin doesn't have to worry about money. He made millions acting. And last weekend, he won a $50 Target gift card for finishing second in a Fidel Castro look-alike contest.

During his address to a joint session of Congress last night, President Obama appointed Joe Biden to head the financial oversight of the financial recovery plan, saying "Nobody messes with Joe Biden." Yeah, nobody messes with Joe - except the guy who did his hair plugs.

Biden did actually have a hair transplant. The donor? Rod Blagojevich.

You know why no one messes with Joe Biden? It's the teeth. Those things could go through bone like it was butter.

President Obama actually said the words "This has to be done right, so I'm putting Joe Biden in charge." That line landed with a thud - and a nation watched in horror as the honking goose of political hackery got sucked into the jet engine of recovery.

After Obama's speech, the Republican Party turned over the rebuttal to rising conservative superstar and Governor of Louisiana Bobby Jindal, made the GOP's case with the sing-song rhetorical flair of Mister Rogers welcoming TV addled 4-year-olds to the Neighborhood of Make Believe.

By the way, "Neighborhood of Make Believe" is a widely accepted alternative spelling for "Washington D.C."

Jindal's Mr. Rogers impersonation was no accident. The original draft of Jindal's speech repeatedly referred to President Obama and Vice President Biden and "Mr. McFeely and Prince Tuesday." He also closed early versions of the speech by tearfully blaming the Democrats and their evil Recovery Act for killing his pet goldfish.

The Age of Absurdity

The tests are back from the lab. We now know what Michael Phelps was smoking in those famous marijuana pipe photos. Turns out the subance wasn’t pot, it was – and this is shocking – Phelps was actually smoking clippings from Joaquin Phoenix’s beard.

How would you describe Joaquin's new look? The beard, the glazed expression - it's sort of "Abe Lincoln ODs at Woodstock."

Ben and Jerry's, the hippie ice cream company, is always quick to capitalize on the latest hot celebrity trend. They've come out with a Joaquin Phoenix ice cream flavor: Banana Nut Job.

As you probably know, President Obama is a smoker. He got busted taking smoke breaks during the campaign. But now that he's president, he's had to quit. But he's having a tough time I guess. The National Enquirer has obtained secret photos of Obama on the West Portico of the White House desperately sucking on his Blackberry.

The stress of the presidency is already affecting Obama's relationship with Michelle. It's hard to find time to be intimate. On Valentine's Day, the president returned to the family living quarters to find Michelle in a sexy baby doll nightie standing under a huge "Mission Not Accomplished" banner.

"Benjamin Button" didn't win any major Oscars at the Academy Awards on Sunday. And this morning, the producers awoke to more bad news: John McCain is suing them for using his baby pictures without permission.

I just finished reading an interesting article, "Ten Tips for Finding Exciting New Blog Topics." The author had some good ideas, but he forgot one. There's actually an 11th tip: turn off your computer and leave the freakin' house once in a while.

As of yesterday, the stock market has dropped 50% since 1997. How do I feel at this moment? I feel like it's Monday morning and I'm on the return flight from Vegas.

My broker, Charles Schwanz, didn't handle the stock market's drop well. He locked himself in the bathroom and took an overdose of peanut butter.

The prospects for the economy in 2009 are so bleak that the cast for this year's Survivor will be every single person in America.

I'm the head cook for my family. I wanted to make a dessert for a church potluck the other night. So I get on the Internet, to surf around for new recipes. Just an observation: if you respect human dignity and family values at all, never Google the phrase "cream filled."

The Big Speech

President Obama has a big speech coming up Tuesday night. Among other things, he's expected to once again reach across the aisle to the Republicans, who have so far resisted his advances. Piece of advice for our president: instead of reaching across the aisle, try signaling under the stall.

That’s the big question. Will the republicans in Congress embrace bi-partisanship to solve our country’s problems? Or will they remain committed to their political lifestyle of homo-partisanship?

I think you’ll find that the Democrats in Congress support Obama’s efforts. They’re far more likely to be bi. And even a few Republican Senators are open on the issue. A moderate Republican like Senator Arlen Spector of Pennsylvania could be described as “bi-partisan curious.” But Senator Jim Inhofe of Oklahoma? That guy’s just a total homo.

I love The Oscars. I watched the whole show last night. I love seeing the stars. The breast implants, the facelifts, the spray-on tans - I haven’t seen so many artificial enhancements since the stimulus package.

Slumdog Millionaire, as expected, won the big awards at the Oscars last night, including Best Picture and Best Director. And, as expected, the Best Foreign Language film went to The Speeches of George Bush. Take that Al Gore!

President Obama has had a rough time - two wars, a economic crisis, a series of failed cabinet appointments, hostile Republicans. I mean, talk about a guy who picked the wrong time to quit smoking.

Obama took a lot of grief for smoking during the campaign. His advisors were constantly bugging him to quit. It's unhealthy, it's poor role-modeling, it sends the wrong message. "Your middle name is Hussein! At least stop smoking Camels!"

Obama is not our funniest president. He tries. But he's just kind of a wonk. An egghead. The guy who doesn't quite get the joke. A couple of weekends ago, he was back home in Chicago playing basketball with some of his old pals. The guys are trash talking, you know. And of the players insulted his mother. The president replied that his mother was not obese. And if even had been overweight, the Constitution would prohibit her ass from having its own Congressman.

But Obama's from the South Side of Chicago. And you can't let a guy just insult your mom like that. You gotta fire back. So the president says to the guy, "Yo mamma's so fat, she's at risk for type 2 adult onset diabetes." Pow, baby! That's taking it to the hoop.

Send In The Clowns

Thousands of Wall Street big shots have lost their jobs. And they're looking for new careers - as clowns. Really. The owner of Send in the Clowns Entertainment Corporation told The New York Times that he's getting a lot of calls from former Wall Street executives. They guy says, "We'll hire clowns from Wall Street. No problem." It's a good fit. A lot of these guys testified before Congress, so they have experience entertaining children.

Bernard Madoff has signed up with Send in the Clowns, just in time for the big party season. He's got a great act. He calls himself Ponzi the Clown. He blows up this balloon. It gets bigger and bigger and bigger. And then, just when you think the balloon can't possibly get any bigger...it blows up in his face.

Tonight, we're all going to be watching The Oscars, also known as Barack Obama's donor list.

The economic crisis is definitely having an impact on the glamor and glitz of The Oscars. For example, this year, the statues are carved out of SPAM.

In a very touching gesture, the little kids from Slumdog Millionaire are being flown out for the Oscar broadcast, where they'll be adopted by Angelina Jolie.

Brad Pitt is up for the Best Actor award tonight for his great work in Benjamin Button. He put a lot of work into the role. Weeks of research. To find out what it's like to be born old, he spent a month with John McCain.

Joe The Plumber is back. The GOP has hired the hard-working, tax-avoiding, unlicensed, blue collar symbol of Real America as a consultant. He's gonna finish the work he started last year and lead the party from the depressing toilet of the present into the glorious septic tank of the future.

Anyway, the Republicans say the need Joe's take on how the economic situation is affecting real Americans. And not to be outdone in this department, the Democratic party has hired its own salt-of-the-earth, out-side-the-belt way, both-feet-on-the-the-ground consultant: Joaquin Phoenix.

How Ugly Is It?

The self-help book industry is trying to stay relevant during the economic crisis by updating some of the classic titles. New editions to look for in your bookstore include “Chicken Soup for the Soul without the Chicken,” “Suze Orman’s 2009 Suicide Plan” and “How To Win Friends and Influence People So They’ll Invest in your Ponzi Scheme.”

People are mad the unbridled greed of Wall Street Executives. Merrill Lynch paid out billions in bonuses despite massive losses. The Merrill Lynch CEO got fired for spending a million dollars to redecorate his office, which included the purchase of a $35,000 antique commode. Now that’s a lot of money for a toilet, but it did come with a lifetime maintenance contract from Joe the Plumber.

The government is finally going to step in and start regulating the financial industry. In fact, all 401k statements are now required to carry an explicit warning label: "Warning: Side effects include depression, sleeplessness and anal leakage."

More than anything, the stock market hates uncertainty. So it didn’t help when Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner went on TV to announce the details of the economic recovery plan and said “they details are…well we don’t really know.” Financial analysts say it really hurt the markets when Geithner ended his remarks by wetting his pants.

I mean did you see Geithner on TV? He did not look confident. I haven't seen so much fear, uncertainty and panic on a man face since...well, since my wedding pictures.

The press asked Geithner how ugly things were going to get this year. That was the question. How ugly? Geithner thought for a second, then said "Mickey Rourke."

That was actually good news, though. The market went up 3 points. Financial analysts had been predicting that Geithner would say "Amy Winehouse."

President Obama is trying to buck up the nation's confidence. He went on TV and said, "The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. That and peanut butter."

It's so bad out there that even the Happiest Place on Earth announced a round of layoffs. That's right - the Disney corporation is looking at layoffs to cut costs. In fact, they just let the Seven Dwarves go. What's really sad is the dwarves had their retirement funds invested with Bernard Madoff.

Actually, one of the dwarves is doing okay. I forget his name - you know, the one that's married to Katie Holmes.

I'm not worried though. I'm set. I've got a great broker - Charles Schwanz. This guy is a financial wizard. For example, two days before Hillary Clinton announced her presidential campaign, he put all my money in Pantsuit Barn.

One company that is doing well during the downturn is Hormel. That's the company that makes SPAM. People are eating cheap. Sales are way, way up. One thing that really boosted sales was when Congress included about $300 worth of SPAM in the stimulus package.

I was whipping through the cable channels the other night with the remote and I stopped on this documentary that showed a bunch of angry apes hurling feces at each other. Turns out it was live coverage of the California Legislature voting on the budget.

Hitting Bottom

The stock market hit a 6-year-low yesterday. The market has lost something like half its value in the past few months. We still don’t know when it’s going to hit bottom. In fact – and this is scary – financial analysts are now predicting that Amy Winehouse will hit bottom before the stock market does.

Nancy Pelosi, the speaker of the house of representatives, had an audience with The Pope. Yeah – she sat down with Pope Benedict. The Pope thought the meeting went well. He said afterwards that seeing Pelosi up close reminded him of why he chose celibacy.

I’m sure it was a little tense in the Pope’s chambers. Pelosi is a Catholic who supports abortion rights. But the Pope, of course, is for protecting life at every stage until a natural death. That’s very similar to the Republican position here in America. But there is a key difference. The Republicans want to protect life at every stage, but only until it reaches the beard-and-turban developmental stage. Then it’s KAPOW time baby!

The Pope told Pelosi that he respected President Bush’s efforts to protect life. It’s true – Bush did have a stellar record of preserving life. In the last eight years, not one single frozen embryo has been killed in Iraq or Afghanistan.

The guy who threw the shoes at President Bush? Remember him? He’s going on trial in Iraq. It’s going to be quite a circus, very high profile. For example, it’s gonna feature explosive expert testimony from Thom McAn.

Of course, to us the guy’s just a nut with a couple of shoes. But in the middle east, thowing shoes at someone is a grave personal insult. As is calling someone a dog. “Here’s your goodbye kiss, you dog!” That’s what he shouted. The only equivalent here in America is calling someone a “Blagojevich” while throwing a blow dryer at them. “Here’s your goodbye kiss, you Blagojevich!”

The whole she thing been a learning experience for the Pentagon. They’re always interested in new weapons systems. In fact, the Pentagon just awarded Rockport a billion-dollar contract to develop a stealth slip-on.

Time are tough. People are losing their jobs. Savings accounts are being drained. And like most Americans, I have just one question: when is it okay to resort to cannibalism?

 Everyone’s getting hurt by the economy. Even Paris Hilton is cutting back. She’s changed her name to “Paris Motel 6.”

The stock market is going down so fast, everybody’s feeling the pain. It’s so bad Dick Cheney shot Charles Schwab in the face.

Bristol Palin, Role Model

Now that she's had her baby, Sarah Palin's daughter, Bristol, says that teen pregnancy is nothing to strive for and that her mom's opinions on teen abstinence aren't realistic - unless, like, you know, you're totally ugly.

But Bristol did say that things are going well. She described the baby's father, Levi, as being a "hands-on dad." Not surprising, since he was also a "hands-on" boyfriend.

I salute Bristol for her honesty. When you don't have a job, a husband or a house, it's not the right time to have a baby. But it is the perfect time to have eight babies.

The tainted peanut butter scandal is causing massive declines in sales for all the big brands. It's so bad that when Peter Pan looked at the projections for the first quarter, he dropped a goober in his tights.

The 700 billion dollar bailout package is the law, but Joe Biden says there's still a 30 percent chance the Obama administration could screw everything up. Not exactly Capt. Sully Sullenberger is he? "This is your Captain Joe Biden speaking. We're going make all the right decisions during your flight today, but there's still a 30% chance we could fly into the side of a mountain or simply explode at 30,000 feet. So sit back and enjoy some free peanuts."

Economists are saying that the stimulus package is not a silver bullet. Congress actually did have a silver bullet at once point, but they had to hock it to pay back taxes.

But we desperately need some good news about the economy. It's tough for everybody. Bill Gates has lost three billion dollars so far. And Paris Hilton, the symbol of decadent wealth, was forced to eat her chihuahua.

The bailout package involves so much money, that it's really hard for top financial experts to comprehend. Even Alan Greenspan is using words like "kazillion" and "assload."

Car Deal

General Motors and Chrysler told the federal government that they need $21.6 billion more bailout loans to stay in business. I hate negotiating with car guys. It's always more. "Well, I talked to my manager. He's never done this before, but he says if we do the deal at $21.6 billion, he'll throw in the undercoating."

What are my politics? I'm pro abortion, pro war and pro death penalty. We need the parking.

Quarterback Brett Favre is retiring again. In fact, he's just a couple of retirements away from breaking the all-time record currently held by Cher.

The tainted peanut butter scandal is hurting the sales of the entire industry. JM Smucker, the maker of Jiff, has had to adopt a new slogan to reassure frightened consumers: "With a name like Smucker's, it has to be salmonella free."

President Obama signed the stimulus bill yesterday. It's the most expensive legislation in history. A huge spending bill. It's going to affect the lives of ordinary Americans in surprising ways. For example, when you pass "Go" in Monopoly, you now get $200,000.

More Ponzi schemes and multi-billion financial frauds are coming to light, rattling an already fragile economy. The government says they're really gonna get tough on these guys. I dunno. They've already grounded Bernard Madoff. How much tougher can they get?

Terrible, disturbing news yesterday. According to police, a television executive in Buffalo, New York beheaded his wife after she filed for divorce. The suspect, Muzzammil Hassan, had started a TV network called "The Bridges" to counter the negative media images of Muslims after the 9/11 attacks. It's hard to sum up this kind of tragic madness in words. But, in terms of PR and spin control, it's safe to say the man as gone "off message."

Beheading - that's a horrible, sensational crime. But we shouldn't rush to judgement. This is America. Mr. Hassan is entitled to a trail before his peers. In fact, the inmates at Guantanamo Bay all received notices to report for jury duty.