The self-help book
industry is trying to stay relevant during the economic crisis by updating some of the
classic titles. New editions to look for in your bookstore include “Chicken
Soup for the Soul without the Chicken,” “Suze Orman’s 2009 Suicide Plan” and
“How To Win Friends and Influence People So They’ll Invest in your Ponzi
Scheme.”
People are mad the
unbridled greed of Wall Street Executives. Merrill Lynch paid out billions in
bonuses despite massive losses. The Merrill Lynch CEO got fired for spending a
million dollars to redecorate his office, which included the purchase of a
$35,000 antique commode. Now that’s a lot of money for a toilet, but it did
come with a lifetime maintenance contract from Joe the Plumber.
The government is finally going to step in and start regulating the financial industry. In fact, all 401k statements are now required to carry an explicit warning label: "Warning: Side effects include depression, sleeplessness and anal leakage."
More than anything,
the stock market hates uncertainty. So it didn’t help when Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner went on TV to announce the details of the economic recovery plan and said “they
details are…well we don’t really know.” Financial analysts say it really hurt
the markets when Geithner ended his remarks by wetting his pants.
I mean did you see Geithner on TV? He did not look confident. I haven't seen so much fear, uncertainty and panic on a man face since...well, since my wedding pictures.
The press asked Geithner how ugly things were going to get this year. That was the question. How ugly? Geithner thought for a second, then said "Mickey Rourke."
That was actually good news, though. The market went up 3 points. Financial analysts had been predicting that Geithner would say "Amy Winehouse."
President Obama is trying to buck up the nation's confidence. He went on TV and said, "The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. That and peanut butter."
It's so bad out there that even the Happiest Place on Earth announced a round of layoffs. That's right - the Disney corporation is looking at layoffs to cut costs. In fact, they just let the Seven Dwarves go. What's really sad is the dwarves had their retirement funds invested with Bernard Madoff.
Actually, one of the dwarves is doing okay. I forget his name - you know, the one that's married to Katie Holmes.
I'm not worried though. I'm set. I've got a great broker - Charles Schwanz. This guy is a financial wizard. For example, two days before Hillary Clinton announced her presidential campaign, he put all my money in Pantsuit Barn.
One company that is doing well during the downturn is Hormel. That's the company that makes SPAM. People are eating cheap. Sales are way, way up. One thing that really boosted sales was when Congress included about $300 worth of SPAM in the stimulus package.
I was whipping through the cable channels the other night with the remote and I stopped on this documentary that showed a bunch of angry apes hurling feces at each other. Turns out it was live coverage of the California Legislature voting on the budget.