Kenton In For Repairs!

Exploding Intestines!
We postponed rehearsal on Monday. Kenton is recovering from hernia surgery. It's his second operation this year. (The first was on his shoulder.) He's due for elbow surgery during 2008. Arthritis, old sports injuries, migraines - Kenton is experiencing more mechanical problems that a GM vehicle. Even after his shoulder repair, he's still having pinched nerve problems that make his hands go numb and cause him to drop drumsticks in mid-song. In the words of Junior Kimbrough, Kenton "done got old."
Kenton's hernia basically involves his small intestine exploding out of his belly button. People say that there is nothing disgusting or shameful about the human body. These people are young liberals. Don't believe them! When they get old, they will know the truth: are God given bodies are just big hunks of raw meat filled with slimy organs and bacteria. Your colon contains more bacteria than there are people on earth! And as you approach your "expiration date," your body will start to behave just like raw chicken that is starting to get a little "off." You will start to break down. Also, there will be a smell. I emerged from the bathroom the this morning trailing a haze of methane and sulfur smells that caused me to think that I am starting to "go bad." Kenton said the hernia repair hurts worse than the shoulder surgery. He played the drums Sunday morning at St. John's, which nearly killed him. We're scheduled to rehearse Thursday night. I hope he makes it.
Death Is Not Santa Claus
I turned 50 on March 18. To celebrate, I attended a friend's funeral. My friend, housekeeper and bon vivant Jeff died of lymphoma. He wasn't feeling too good around New Year's. Two months later, he was dead at 38. Fast growing tumors seeded themselves throughout his body, including his brain. That cancerous mass pushed his left eyeball out of its socket. When I saw him, I swear the first thing I thought of was the googly eyes on the Sesame Street Muppets. Then his eyeball filled with blood and turned black. Jeff endured other Job-like indignities, including the installation of two colostomies. This event raised spiritual questions, among them: God made everything, but He certainly has a lot of quality control problems. Federal regulators should look into this. Maybe Congress could hold hearings.
SENATOR: Since you are God and are incapable of lying, we're going to skip the swearing on The Bible and get right into the questioning.
GOD: Thank you.
SENATOR: Please state your name for the record.
GOD: God.
SENATOR: You are the supreme being.
GOD: That is correct.
SENATOR: This would make you incapable of error.
GOD: Yes.
SENATOR: You have previously stated that you created everything in the heavens and Earth, including the beasts of the field and everything that swims in the sea.
GOD: In six days, yes.
SENATOR: You also created man and then woman in your image?
GOD: Correct.
SENATOR: If you created man and are incapable of error, perhaps you can explain to the committee why my small intestine is exploding out of my belly button.
About a month later, my grandmother died two weeks before her 95th birthday. I just got back from the funeral. This event was a celebration and a family reunion as we recalled a life well-lived. She was ready to go. Not long before her death she told me, "One of these days I'm going to get sick of you people and go see Harold" (her husband of 60 years, who died in 1995). This was in contrast to Jeff's funeral, where I watched a video tribute of his life and cried with my mouth full of pie.
Rock Bands: The Guy Support Group
After my grandmother died, I received three cards of condolence. Two of them were from guys in the band - Kenton and Nick. Kenton never forgets these small gestures - flowers, cards, notes, presents. For my 50th birthday, he gave me a shirt that belonged to his grandfather, who drove beer trucks. It has a big patch that says "Hamm's" on the back. It's at least 50 years old. When I opened it, I told Kenton, "I am not worthy." I had to quit drinking, but when I feel down or stressed, I put on my Hamm's shirt and sing the famous jingle for this great brand:
From the land of sky blue waters
From the land of pines tall
Comes the beer refreshing
Hamm's the bee refreshing
You want to make sure you wife is not in the house when you're doing this kind of thing.