What And Quit Show Business?

There's No Business Like Show Business
My brother-in-law Tommy Dunbar, a life long professional guitar slinger, invokes a mantra any time he feels like giving up the rock and roll life for a day job: "What - And Quit Show Business?"
Tommy mutters this to himself after driving five hours two and from some horrible wedding gig and four hours playing the gig. Often the gig will involve extended versions of the hit song "Love Shack." He earns $250 before gas and parking. Now that gas costs as much as ink jet toner or liquified platinum, the economics of the music profession are too depressing to contemplate. And - he doesn't qualify for food stamps! (Now that he's past 50, Tommy is eligible to affix himself to the engorged teat of our nation's many "senior discount" programs.)
Another career low occurred when he had to write and perform a corporate anthem for a Taco Bell convention. With lyrical input from the mission statement jockeys at Taco Bell management, he was able to produce the worst song in history. I have heard it. Tommy hasn't lost his sense of humor. And he has no sense of shame. He gleefully tells this story himself. A serious artists might kill himself after an incident like this. Tommy's attitude remains the same: "What - And Quit Show Business?"
I Almost Quit The Band! True Story!
In January, Kenton organized a KDOG gig in honor of his fiancee's surprise 40th birthday party. The events leading up to this gig - and the gig itself - nearly caused my brain to explode.
The previous sentence is a cop out. It should read, "My conflicts with Kenton nearly caused my brain to explode."
And I nearly quit.
Then I thought, "What - and quit show business?" I realized life in a band with Kenton would still be far more interesting than life as a "civilian."
That was the right call. The band emerged from all this stress rocking stronger and sounding better than ever before.
The First Step is Admitting Someone Else Has A Problem.
I put off blogging about it. My version of the story stars me as I completely rip Kenton a new asshole - an asshole so large, you could easily store all 20 of Kenton's drum sets in it and still have room left over for the Mormon Tabernacle Choir.
I didn't want to do that and publish the results.
I knew I'd come off looking just as bad as the target of my wrath - too serious, mean, petty and self-absorbed.
The danger of blogging is that you end up pointing the dirty end of the stick at everybody else while justifying your own dumb actions. Like many people, I have a life long habit of blaming external factors for my own stinking messes. I want to fix the other person instead of fixing my own response to the situation. It's so much easier! And it's way more fun!
So I didn't write anything to two or three months.
Looking back, I'm right about everything. The trouble is, being right is way overrated. (Ask the Bush administration.) You can be right and still destroy yourself and those around you. It's like being a fanatical suicide bomber. Plus, being right is not the same thing as solving the problem.
Cain and Abel Form a Rock Band.
Kenton and I often refer to each other as "brother." Kenton started this. He picked it up from the original Allman Brothers Band. They always referred to each other as "Brother Duane," "Brother Dickey," etc.
People think this is nice. As in, "What a wonderful thing, to be as close as brothers. You two must really get along great." This is the sentiment of someone who has never had a brother or any kind of sibling.
I have previously tried to explain the personal relationships between band members in terms in terms of the male dominance hierarchy in chimpanzee societies. The behavior of chimps jockeying to be the Alpha Male explains a great deal about rock music - especially the behavior of drummers and the advent of the 15-minute drum solo. ("Look at me girls! I am beating these things really hard because of my superior genetic material! Don't blow the guitar player! He's a wimp!")
But of course, the best explanation for band conflict is sibling rivalry. Forming a band allows you to relive the hell of your family life. You name it, you'll experience it - from inability to communicate to alcoholism to sibling rivalry. Divorce and harrowing custody battles are also possibilities when the band breaks up and you have to decide to gets to keep the PA.
Nothing makes the point like a wholesome Bible story.
Remember Cain and Abel? They were the sons of Adam and Eve. They are the only two brothers on the entire planet. They're very tense all the time because there was a 100 percent shortage of available babes. Cain kills Abel. Cain was jealous because God preferred Abel. Amazingly, Cain tries to weasel out of the murder charge. When God asks where Abel is, Cain tries to fake Him out by replying, "Am I my brother's keeper?" Oh, right. Like The Supreme All Seeing Creator isn't going to notice a 25 percent reduction in the Earth's population.
This is a really important story because A) it's the first example of what conservative Christians now call "family values" and B) it provided basis for the Smothers Brothers comedy act. ("Mom always liked you best.")
My big battle with Kenton start over finding favor with God. It began over our decision to play the Gov't Mule song, "Bad Little Doggie."