Kenton Claus

Kenton played drums with the band for the first time since his shoulder surgery.
"It feels great to play without pain!" he said.
But he did have a cold. And he had to leave at 7:15.
We had the band gift exchange, too, which ate into playing time. Kenton's delight in giving and receiving presents is such that his office looks like Santa's workshop this time of year, it's so full of wrapped gifts for clients and friends.
Kenton gave me a guitar strap that's exactly the same as the one Warren Haynes of Gov't Mule uses. It's hand made from black leather, padded and sports the Mule logo. He bought three months ago. It kills Kenton to sit on a gift that long.
Nick gave me a vintage vinyl copy of ZZ Top's Greatest Hits - the first one that was released in the 70s. I gave Nick a collection of great blues harmonica performances on CD. Nick also gave me a pair of black Jimi Hendrix underwear with "Purple Haze" in 60s script across the ass.
Nick also gave Kenton a pair of red boxers style underwear emblazoned with little dogs. Kenton really went berserk when he saw that Nick had purchased the XL size. This is a pair of underwear the size of a schooner sail. Kenton is vain about his looks. If you really want to drive Kenton nuts, ask him what brand of dye he uses to keep his hair brown at age 55. He naturally hasn't gone gray, which makes him look 10 years younger. He's highly insulted that someone might think he dyes his hair or uses Grecian formula.
Anyway, Kenton announced that he would exchange the underwear immediately.
"Why in the world would you buy me extra large?" he kept asking.
This could be a case of "gift revenge." Last year, Kenton gave Nick a new pillow for Christmas. I couldn't imagine giving someone a pillow. It's just too intimate, even though, as Kenton pointed out, "it was a really cool pillow." Kenton told me that Nick's pillows were old, stained and totally falling apart.
"He's too cheap to buy himself a new one," Kenton said.
Anyway, the whole gift exchange, which took place at a giant part at Nick's house, was kind of embarrassing.
In other medical news, I think Nick may have "pump head." This is doctor slang for cognitive impairment some patients experience after cardiac bypass surgery. Something about being on the heart lung machine causes brain problems.
Nick has always been forgetful. He can never remember the lyrics, even to songs he's written. He often forgets critical equipment. I'd say that Nick is a burn-out, except he's ever done any drugs stronger than Benadryl. Since his emergency by-pass last winter, I've tole him that he's getting worse.
"It can only be 'pump head,' in my opinion," I told Nick last summer.
Last night, Nick showed missing the harmonica he needs to play in the key of G. Most of our songs are in the key of G, so this slip-up decimated the play list for the night. When Nick is not playing harmonica, he plays the cowbell and the tambourine. So of course he forgot those too. In the best "the show must go on" tradition, Nick played his cow bell parts on an empty O'Doul's bottle.
Nick used to play bongos, too, but has Kenton reminded him last night, "you're been banned from bongo duty." Kenton took over bongo responsibilities, using a pair of rack-mounted bongos he added to his already enormous kit. I noticed last night that he's added a second snare drum, too.
So Kenton and Nick exchanged gifts and "I love you man" bear hugs, then immediately started yelling at each other. Nick's forgetfulness driver Kenton, who described himself as OCD, into fits of righteous anal anger. They also started arguing about the song list, although the Holiday spirit prevented their usual exchange, which goes like this
Nick: You're a fuck!
Kenton: I'm a fuck? Why am I a fuck?
Nick: Because you're a fuck, you fuck!
I find all this highly entertaining and believe we should add fake fights to our stage show. I have tried to sell Kenton on this idea.
"They wouldn't even have to be fake, since you guys fight all the time anyway. We could send you to wrestling school, so you could learn how to beat each other with folding chairs but not get hurt! We could buy fake blood! What a stage act!"
"Absolutely not," Kenton replied.
Nick arrived for practice announcing that he'd been suffering from the "poop and pukes" for the last several days.
"I was wondering if any of the other junior campers in the band had suffering similar symptoms, maybe some who used my microphone" he asked me.
Nick is germ phobic. He is certain that microphone are a vector for disease. When someone else uses his microphone, he coats it with hand sanitizer. When he gets sick, Nick tracks down the source of the infection with the zeal of a CDC official tracing a bird flu outbreak.
"It wasn't me," I said. "I had a cold last week."
When Kenton arrived, they hugged.
"How are you KDOG?" Nick asked.
"I have a cold," Kenton said.
"Get away from me," Nick replied.

Comments

[Odysseus]

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